Real Primates of Heller County.

Wednesday, February 23^rd 2011

     Weird… I wrote about blueberries and the emails suddenly stopped… now I get a daily invitation to buy an illustrated bible.

     I have no real emails to respond to today so you’re all doomed to another edition of PENELOPE REVIEWS MOVIES THAT NO ONE WILL EVER SEE, but I did think I should address another issue.

     I don’t know how this happened, but I can’t deny it. I am going to watch yet another Real Housewives show. I was flipping through the channels last night and just happened to come across the first episode of the Real Housewives of Miami. God, forgive me. I can’t help it, but it was kinda awesome. I even know who I’m rooting for already (thanks Andy for rounding up the 3 bitches all at one right away for me!) Okay, enough of that.

     One last thing before I do the review. Remind me to rave nonstop about the Melanie Pain album sometime soon!

REVIEW!

     I love movies like Spymate because they really challenge me. First, I have to buy a premise that there is a super spy monkey. Done. Then, after the monkey’s partner leaves the spy game so he can take care of his daughter we fast forward 10 years. Now I have to believe that the monkey is still alive and a star circus performer. Done. Oh yeah, also the little girl (played brilliantly by Emma Roberts) is now 12 and won a national science award for building a ray gun drilling machine that turns dirt into oxygen and revolutionizing the human race… Done?

     This is where the movie begins to get complicated. See, a famous scientist who gives the girl the award is actually an evil mastermind who then kidnaps her and flies her to Japan to work on a secret project. The dad gets wind of this and sets up his spy business again, which involves him going to the circus to ask Minkey (the monkey) to help his old partner out. Within a few minutes Minkey agrees and puts on his suit to drive to the base. Oh yeah, and his circus friends heard everything and want to help. Of course this is a good idea.

     By the way, this all happens within the first twenty minutes of the movie. I would have made it through The King’s Speech if it moved that fast. That being said, this is also the point where the movie became a little hard to follow. Minkey does a bunch of human stuff. There’s some French scientist chick who is not evil, an evil bald guy, and eventually an old Japanese guy by the mountain decides to train Minkey. At some point Emma Roberts uses her hair band to fix the evil version of her little chemical ray gun.

     Okay, fine, it is a complete mess, but come on, it’s a monkey doing funny things.

i just love contests!

http://www.storywonk.com/

Penelope hates the volcano. Somebody IS watching.

Monday, February 21^st 2011

     This is the first beast and I know it will not be the last. Thornbeasts are nothing if not persistent and evil. Such cold eyes and heartless teeth I have never seen before. They did not miss the mark when they named this place Super Hell. I am ready.

     Who am I? I’ve twice had a name but neither means anything to anyone now. Don’t call me Marina. Don’t call me _____. Call me Fire Skin. Call me Nothing.

     I face the first thorn and my Flame roars. Blue shines and I know the Dark Elder is watching. Arnswark is waiting. I will fight… and I will remember his name.

     So how was your day? I’ve had a relaxing day off. Quick note: the movie should have been called “It’s kind of a BORING Story.” The kid in it is super adorable hot, I love Emma Roberts and I still couldn’t even pretend to be interested.

     I guess our cable company is giving us a free trial of the ID network this week or something. How the hell did I live before without Stalked: Someone Is Watching and Disappeared?

     I’m angry that my volcano kit was dysfunctional but I made the best of if. Stay tuned for my photo editorial this week, “Dinosaurs vs Army vs Farm Animals: We Will Win.”

the best part is control.

Saturday, February 19^th 2011

     Damn you, Curiosity. I was home alone and bored (surprise!) this afternoon, so I checked out the free movies on demand. I was about to enjoy some fantastic Lifetime Original Programming when I saw that Showgirls was free. After watching Burlesque twice in a week, I figured hey, why not? How bad could it be?

     Ladies and gentleman, there are some things you can not un-see. Again, I’m not sure if it’s possible, but I think I have eyes herpes from watching this piece of crap. I blame my parents. They have a young, impressionable youth in the house so they should be blocking possible traumatic content from the TV. Ugh! Eww! It was disgusting, gross and Elizabeth Berkley is the worst actress in history. That being said, the plot did make a lot more sense than Burlesque’s did. Still, Showgirl’s was gross and Burlesque was fantastically horrid. Big difference.

     I feel like I haven’t updated you on my actual pathetic life recently. Hmm… well, I’m still slowly learning how to play guitar. I can play little bits of dozens of songs. I learned a few Ramones and New Order songs just to show my parents. As much as I’m all about revolution and grrr angst posturing but sometimes kissing ass is just the right thing to do. I’ve looked at amplifier prices and I’m gonna need help.

     Connie is already starting to regret picking Blake over Toby. She has asked for another pro/con list session, which I reluctantly agreed to. At least this time Vanessa will be around to take away some of the pain.

     Vanessa continues to baffle me. She seems to have ditched all her friends the same way she ditched me before. It drives me crazy that she’s never given an explanation for any of it, but I’m too “cool” to actually say something about it.

     My parents are still my parents.

     I can either pretend to be happy OR sad. I’m all right as long as I got that going for me.

the beginning of the end?

Friday, February 18^th 2011

     Even I can be outraged.

https://secure.ppaction.org/site/SPageServer?pagename=pp_ppol_ws_I_Stand_with_PP&s_src=istandwithppfeb2011ppole1&JServSessionIdr004=jhp8zq2ye1.app214a

at least i have my old friends

Thursday, February 17^th 2011

     To further illustrate a point. Tonight’s Vampire Diaries: Flashbacks, a dinner party, “oh I’m gonna kill so and so” “oh, you thought you were gonna kill me” blah. ZZZzzz. On last week’s Degrassi: Adam (the transgendered girl/self identified boy) and Fiona (the relocated socialite with a history of depression and physical abuse, currently in rehab for her out of control drinking) finally began their long awaited romance. I know it’s early, but Fiodam is already up with Janny and Palex for all time Degrassi coupling.

     I got yelled at for not paying attention twice today, so I’m gonna try to sleep.

Wednesday, February 16^th 2011

     I ate roasted chicken and rice for dinner and my mom made chocolate cake for dessert. I’m ready to sleep like now. I will not attempt any original thought today, but I will answer emails. (btw, Roland, where have you gone?)

     Bloodygood14@fakemail.com asks “Why have you stopped talking about Twilight and Vampire Diaries? Who do you like better, Bella or Elaina?”

     Bloodygood, that’s a stupid question followed by a good question. I talk about what I want when I want and there is no rhyme or reason to it.

     I think I hate both Bella and Elaina equally. I think part of my recent distaste with vamp drama in general is that for some reason it’s perfectly acceptable for these super-statutory rape scenarios to play out in them. Both Edward and Stephan are over 200 years older than their young lady counterparts. Oh wait… Bella waits until she’s 18. What a wuss. Anyway, my parents would kill me if I dated a senior, let alone someone who was alive during the Civil War. They’re both being taken advantage of, but Elaina’s vamp is a whole lot hotter, so I guess I like Elaina better.

     My old pal Cindy F wants pontificates “So I’ve been browsing Tiffany.com and it made me realize, I might be a bit of a material girl deep down. What about you? Do you wear any jewelry? What’s your favorite thing at Tiffany & Co? Have you seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”

     I went to Tiffany’s once and I cried. That stuff is all so stupid pretty and equally stupid expensive. I begged my mom to get me a cupcake charm but she just laughed at me. Thanks, now I’m gonna be up all night on the site picking my favorite thing. Breakfast at Tiffany’s was kinda cool but also kinda boring. It made me want to diet, which is never a good feeling. I suppose if gun to my head I had to pick something from Tiffany’s I’d pick something practical like this. http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=25387163&mcat=148205&cid=288186&search_params=s+1-p+5-c+288186-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+-k+

     Okay, Tiffany.com gave me a headache, so goodnight. I will try to dream of cupcakes tonight.

www.cupcakerehab.com

www.cupcakeprovocateur.com

Themes are real.

Tuesday, February 15^th 2011

     Sometimes, a picture of RoboCher is all you need.

The Beautiful People: Half Cher, Half Xtina. All Cop.

Monday, February 14^th 2011

     First off, I will not acknowledge that it’s Valentine’s Day. All that meant was that Connie was at IHOP with Blake Deadly (get it, I compared him to Blake Lively who’s a girl) instead of over my house watching the most horribly awful movie of all time.

     Wow, I don’t even know where to start… Robocop, or Burlesque.

     One is an amazingly violent, funny, charming and heartwarming story about a cop who dies and then becomes a robotic cop. The robotic cop is played by Cher who teams up with Xtina Aguilera to save Old Detroit from a real estate developer who wants to tear down the … oh wait, nevermind.

     It seems unfair that I have to divide my attention b/w 2 cinema classics tonight, but hey, Robocop will be the first person to tell you life isn’t fair. Before I get in too deep, let me tell you right now, Robocop is truly awesome. I already put it on the Netflix queue and it’s totally my next choice for movie night. If you want to see something brilliant, d/l Robocop today. For a different movie experience, please read a little further along in this post.

     Robocop = greatest 80’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Robocop’s pain with every slow, awkward step he took.

     Burlesque = the worst whatever decade we are in’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Cher’s pain with every slow, awkward step she took.

     Christina Aquilera’s performance has now forever redefined the word “stupid” for me. At one point when she the camera did a close up of her face after seeing Cher sing about whatever “Burlesque” is, me and Vanessa just laughed and fist pumped. We did this several more times, our way of saying “Oh yeah, we have found our all time crap classic.” I cannot recommend seeing this movie enough. If you don’t want to see it for often horrible music and indecipherable dance numbers, then just watch it for the most awful seduction seen in movie history. (I will NEVER, EVER eat Famous Amo’s cookies again.) I just can’t wait until I’m old enough to play a Burlesque themed drinking game.

     A few notes on how to fully enjoy Burlesque.

1 Consume alcohol. I didn’t but I’m fairly positive this will help.

2 Watch with a good friend / loved one and try to describe the plot of the movie as it “unfolds.”

3 Try to figure out what Stanley Tucci (who thought he was starring in a Prada prequel) and Kristen Bell are doing in this movie. I’m gonna have a prize later this week to whoever can answer this question for me.

4 Ask yourself every 5 minutes, “What IS Burlesque?”

     Oh yeah, also, I almost got suspended in school today for throwing a tater tot at Toby. He will not stop looking at me. I got off with a warning because I told my counselor that “things have been hard at home.” Ha, the things people believe.

I have had the time of my life and i never felt like this before yes i swear it is so true and i owe it all to you

Sunday, February 13^th 2011

     Suck it Boredom!!! I got so much great crap at Target. I picked up a Belle play set, a Rapunzel doll, some ugly socks, a rubber chicken and my mom got me a cardigan. This reminds me, I owe you guys a hell of a lot of pictures of all the new toys I’ve gotten recently. Just wait until you see the volcano.

     My dad slept in the car while we shopped. Don’t worry, we left the window open a crack.

     Toys made my day great, but The Box made my day special. (That’s right, I used capitalization to make a boring word seem mysterious… or…)

     After our early dinner of asparagus with roasted chicken and roasted pepper I got immediately blah. I asked my mom if she needed help with anything and she said “Just with your father.” I then went to ask my dad if he needed help with anything and he said “I’ve been cleaning the basement out for the last few months, feel free to dive right in.” I put on my Power Flannel and said “On it, Boss.”

     The basement was dark and scary until I found the light switch, then it just looked like a dump. It was a collection of boxes, laundry bags and toys I don’t remember. Actually, aside from it being a load of crap, it really wasn’t that bad. I can see why my dad isn’t in a rush and how my mom is just being a pain in the ass. (Oh God, they are so gonna get divorced.)

     I was ready to turn around and head back up when something caught my eye. On top of a humongous microwave that was on top of a rusted freezer was a box that was labeled simply, “The Cool Stuff.” I’m a curious sorta gal so I picked it up (the most exercise I’ve gotten in weeks) and brought it into the living room. I asked “Okay, what’s the cool stuff?” My parents gave each other a dirty look and my mom said “That was supposed to go to the Salvation Army about 8 years ago” and went into the kitchen. My dad shrugged and said “I have no idea what’s in that box sweetie, if it’s cash or gold let me know.”

     I got it into my room and ripped open the top and was pleasantly surprised. The box was filled with about 40 old school ridiculous VHS tapes! I’m so happy I didn’t throw out my VCR last time I cleaned my room.

     Okay, I know this is kind of lame, but you have to understand. I need to kill time DESPERATELY. (someone told me that they hate when people capitalize for emphasis so ha!) Judge me if you want, but I am now the proud owner of Solarbabies, Batteries Not Included, Back to School, Police Academy 4-6 and a bazillion others!

     Oh geez the Grammy’s are still on. Thank God I have (going to now reach into the box and pull out a movie at random…) Robocop to keep me company!

Like Yay. Giant. F#$%ing. Blueberries.

Saturday, February 12^th 2011

     What is the freaking deal with all these blueberry emails??? It took a while for me to notice, but now it’s consuming me. I must have had some weird black out where I went on a crazy blueberry research spree and signed up for a blueberry email list.

     I know that there are bigger problems in the world, but this is at the very least disturbing. Every day I get 2 or 3 emails promising me Giant Blueberry Plants!

     Yes, my life has hit a new low for boredom. I’m going to Target tomorrow to spend the rest of my gift card and maybe I can get my mom to make tacos for dinner. I NEED to get out of this rut.

     Sorry I’ve avoided posting the last few days but there really is nothing new going on. I’m still a loser. Connie is still planning her perfect Valentine’s Day with her boy and Vanessa is still the same hot and cold BFF she’s always been. My parents still fight when they think I’m not looking and I still need to lose 10 to 30 pounds.

     I can now play 6 chords on the guitar and my flannel still looks awesome. (It’s the only thing I have that both Vanessa and Connie are jealous of.)

Mean library lady

Wednesday, February 9^th 2011

     Tonight my parents were just as bored as I was, which I’m sure happens a lot more often than they care to admit. Whenever we get this bored, we try to play Netflix Instant View Gong Show. (For those of you not alive during the last Ice Age, the Gong show is a very old show that is so old that even my old ass parents think it’s old. Evidently, this show involved ridiculous acts and a gong which when someone hit it, the act stops.)

     We take turns loading up horrible / silly looking movies into our queue and then on Gong Show nights we usually end up watching about a few minutes of each and for extra stupid movies we will just fast forward to the end. This method helps you fully enjoy such classics as “Karate Dog” and “Adventures of Food Boy.”

     Tonight’s game was actually spoiled because we stumbled upon an actual decent movie. On paper, “Shelf Life” a “dark comedy (look up actual netflix description)” looked ridiculous but in real life it was kinda awesome. Both me and my dad tried to turn it off during the first 10 minutes but my mom refused.

     Be prepared for a new segment. I’m not sure I can pull off emails every week!

Penelope Review Movies No One Has Ever Seen:

     Shelf Life started off really dumb. Two chicks walk into a room looking all sorts of messed up and then start telling a story. One is a head librarian and the other is a former junkie fresh out of rehab whose politician uncle gets her a job as a shelver. (Shelvee? Shelf Person? Shelvinator?) The librarian instantly hates the new girl because: 1 She went to high school with her and new girl didn’t recognize her. 2 She’s a rocker. 3 Library Lady is a bitchface.

     Tensions build between the two as new girl begins to instill her rebel ways into the library, winning over the children and the dopey but adorable assistant librarian. The situation escalates and we are treated to a surprise ending that kinda makes you think but also kinda sucks in a way.

     Okay, so I SUCK at recapping a movie. Whatever, I liked it a lot. For a really low budget movie there was great acting in it and I almost cried at the end, but only because I’m a wuss. I’m sorry my first movie review sucked, but I promise, I will make a very small attempt to get better.

The absolute best ever.

Tuesday, February 8^th 2011

     No need for a blog today. I wouldn’t dare take away from the genius that is Connie. I present to you, quite simply, her greatest work.

Monday, February 7^th 2011

     My name is Marina… and I can never be forgiven. My crimes span the realm of sin from top to bottom, but those are nothing compared to Final Sin.

     My happy days are over. Gone. Obliterated. Destroyed. Thrown into the fires of Super Hell.

     I will never walk in Domed Paris and see the Ashes of the Eiffel Tower ever again. Most of all, she would never see Beloved. I’ve come full circle from ingénue, to Crowned, to Banished and now… the end.

     I renounce my titles. I cleanse my flesh, but have no such hopes… for my soul. My fire skin is in charge now. I walk with the Demons now. It is all for you, Beloved.

     As you can see, I haven’t given up on “Spoiled By The Spoils” my dystopian sci fi romance epic. I admit, there are a few holes in the plot, but I think I can still make it work.

     I didn’t get enough sleep last night and was dozing off all day in class. At least 3 of my teachers think I’m on drugs. I may use that to maintain low expectations for my schoolwork. I’m going to sleep.

My whole life is like a picture of a sunny day.

Sunday, February 6^th 2011

     Football is boring, but Super Bowl snacks are great. Also, my parents have no idea how many beers are in the fridge so I can feel like a badass and sneak a few to wash down my pigs in a blanket. I spent most of the game browsing www.iheartguts.com for my next favorite tee shirt.

     Somewhere in the 3^rd quarter I asked my dad if I could watch TV in my parents room so I could watch On Demand and watched the first 3 episodes of Portlandia which has instantly become my new favorite show of all time. I don’t know how or why this happened (wtf is the girl from Sleater-Kinney doing on a skit show?) but I hope that it never ends. I’m gonna start looking at schools in Oregon. Also, I wanna “put a bird on it.” (Look it up. www.putabirdonit.com )I’m trying to get Con and Vanessa to watch it with me, but I don’t think that’s actually gonna happen.

     While it has been a pretty much perfect weekend, I’m gonna cap it off with a song which can both illustrate the highs of the weekend, yet foretells of the certain misery which awaits me in the near future. My whole life is like a picture of a sunny day!

Guitar! I win. Ha, take that universe.

Saturday, February 5^th 2011

     Fine. Okay. Whatever. I will admit it. I’m happy. The Universe, clearly disturbed by the brutal course my life has taken these past few months, has decided to not piss all over me for at least one day. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

     My day started, like any other day, like crap. My mom woke me up at 8 with French toast, which left my body very conflicted and confused. Being awake = aaarrrggghh. French Toast = Yaaaaaaaaay.

     During breakfast my mother announces that she needs to go to the mall and that attendance was mandatory because I needed new clothes and my father needed something that I don’t remember. We went to Garden State which was as disgustingly crowded as always and my mom dragged me from store to store until she finally cornered me in Urban Outfitters and told me that I couldn’t leave until I picked at least one item of clothing. After a few minutes of drowning in hipster pukewear I settled on a small men’s flannel. I think it’s cute and along with all the angsty chick rock I listen to a flannel helps keep my parent’s guessing as to whether I’m gay for a little longer. God forbid my mom tries talking about “boys” with me. I also picked up a Lego Minifigure and some socks so she couldn’t bitch that I only bought one thing.

     Traffic out on Rt. 4 and 17 were being evil so my dad decided to impress us with his knowledge of North Jersey back roads but instead had us lost within 10 minutes. This ended up being a blessing in disguise because we came a cross one of those full block garage sales and decided to give it a look. I picked up some books and CD’s and was ready to go beg my parents to take me home when I saw it. In the corner of a table with a toaster and dirty quilts on it I saw a glorious electric guitar. I ran over and asked the junkie loser who was selling it how much he wanted. He started at 120 and then I started haggling. I hardlined it at 20 dollars and he accepted! Even gave me a cheap case for it. (Thank you crystal meth.)

     I got it back to the car and my parents didn’t know whether to be angry that I spent all my money or impressed that I was able to pick up a state of the art crappy guitar (it’s an Arita!) At first I was afraid that they’d make me take it back but all they said was “You’re not allowed to have an amp until you learn how to play and you’re buying your own strings.”

     I win.

Care Bears at the Fair

Friday, February 4^th 2011

     I’m trying to find the giant Care Bears that I saw at the state fair last year on the internet and I’m striking out. How is that possible? If I wanted a bronzed human kidney, I could find it, but enormous Care Bears don’t seem to exist anymore.

     I was dead set on winning one last year but it was like 105 degrees outside and I barely had enough energy for the petting zoo and the world’s smallest horse. If I could time travel, I’d go back, take vitamins and properly hydrate myself so I had the focus to win the freaking gigantic bear. Or I could have cried until my dad won it. Whatever.

     Connie had a date with Blake tonight which was actually a dinner with her parents at the Olive Garden, so things must be getting pretty serious between them. I’m sure it went great since Blake already offered to convert to be a Jew if it would help.

     Vanessa came over and we did Biore strips while watching Mean Girls 2. I know that it’s sacrilege for there to even be a Mean Girls 2, but I have to admit if the movie was simply called Evil Girls or Mean Teens no one would be offended. Besides, there were some pretty important themes and lessons in Mean Girls 2. For instance, I learned that Carnegie Melon is a hilarious name for a wonderful school and that there isn’t a single problem that flag football can’t fix. Also, best line in Mean Girls 2 “There’s no nun chucks in football!”

     After Vanessa left my mom said some stuff to me, my dad said some stuff to me and Connie texted me “I made the right choice!!!” Overall it was one of the better Friday’s I’ve had in a while. Don’t worry. I’m still entirely lost, miserable and anguished as ever. And I’m still bitter about the Care Bear.

A Testament to Boredom

Thursday, February 3^rd 2011

     It has happened. A new level of boredom reached.

     http://domyeyebrowslookintense.blogspot.com/

Duck Umbrella Rules

Wednesday, February 2^nd 2011

     Today I overslept for the first time ever in my life pretty much and was late for school. It was creepy because my mom instantly asked me if I was on drugs. I told her, “No Mom, I’m not on drugs, I just overslept. Why don’t you go get me some coffee so I can get this day going?” She gave me a dirty look and said “This isn’t over” evil villain style but she did make me coffee. Wuss.

     I’d rather my mom think I was tweeking meth all night than know the truth. I tried going to bed and it just wasn’t working, so somehow I spent an hour researching and pricing beekeeper outfits and related gear.

     Beekeeping is so much cooler than you think. You get to wear a beekeeper suit first off. Also, honey. Lots of honey. It’s a sweetener…

     Emails!

     Actually before emails, I have to announce the contest winner! Cindy F did in fact prove she was more bored than I was. “Penelope, I’m more bored than you. I spent my day watching Abba videos on Youtube, taking screen shots and then putting in captions commenting on their clothes. After that I watched Teen Wolf.”

     To be honest, I don’t actually think she was more bored than I was, but she WAS the only reply I got so WE HAVE A WINNER! Cindy, check yer email later.

     Now, Emails! AgentOrangutan@fakemail.com asks “Can you take Drake seriously knowing he used to be Jimmy on Degrassi?”

     I HATE Drake because his music blows. I HATED him before I even heard his music because he was Jimmy on Degrassi. Has a Degrassi character ever sucked as much as Jimmy did? He was in a freaking wheelchair after he got shot and I still wasn’t rooting for him.

     MargieSimon@fakemail.com wants to know, “Do you ever get your period? I’ve been following you for a few months and you’ve never mentioned it.”

     Oh Margie, of course I do, but this isn’t Health Class so I try not to discuss it. I also won’t be discussing nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea. (Why the hell did they make diarrhea so hard to spell? I always have to spell check it. Hmmm perhaps I am typing out diarrhea way too much.)

     I got a new umbrella today. It is the best umbrella on the face of the earth.

contest aka the things i do to be a dedicated follower of fashion.

please expect The Vespertine by Saundra Mitchell