the best part is control.

Saturday, February 19^th 2011

     Damn you, Curiosity. I was home alone and bored (surprise!) this afternoon, so I checked out the free movies on demand. I was about to enjoy some fantastic Lifetime Original Programming when I saw that Showgirls was free. After watching Burlesque twice in a week, I figured hey, why not? How bad could it be?

     Ladies and gentleman, there are some things you can not un-see. Again, I’m not sure if it’s possible, but I think I have eyes herpes from watching this piece of crap. I blame my parents. They have a young, impressionable youth in the house so they should be blocking possible traumatic content from the TV. Ugh! Eww! It was disgusting, gross and Elizabeth Berkley is the worst actress in history. That being said, the plot did make a lot more sense than Burlesque’s did. Still, Showgirl’s was gross and Burlesque was fantastically horrid. Big difference.

     I feel like I haven’t updated you on my actual pathetic life recently. Hmm… well, I’m still slowly learning how to play guitar. I can play little bits of dozens of songs. I learned a few Ramones and New Order songs just to show my parents. As much as I’m all about revolution and grrr angst posturing but sometimes kissing ass is just the right thing to do. I’ve looked at amplifier prices and I’m gonna need help.

     Connie is already starting to regret picking Blake over Toby. She has asked for another pro/con list session, which I reluctantly agreed to. At least this time Vanessa will be around to take away some of the pain.

     Vanessa continues to baffle me. She seems to have ditched all her friends the same way she ditched me before. It drives me crazy that she’s never given an explanation for any of it, but I’m too “cool” to actually say something about it.

     My parents are still my parents.

     I can either pretend to be happy OR sad. I’m all right as long as I got that going for me.

Themes are real.

Tuesday, February 15^th 2011

     Sometimes, a picture of RoboCher is all you need.

The Beautiful People: Half Cher, Half Xtina. All Cop.

Monday, February 14^th 2011

     First off, I will not acknowledge that it’s Valentine’s Day. All that meant was that Connie was at IHOP with Blake Deadly (get it, I compared him to Blake Lively who’s a girl) instead of over my house watching the most horribly awful movie of all time.

     Wow, I don’t even know where to start… Robocop, or Burlesque.

     One is an amazingly violent, funny, charming and heartwarming story about a cop who dies and then becomes a robotic cop. The robotic cop is played by Cher who teams up with Xtina Aguilera to save Old Detroit from a real estate developer who wants to tear down the … oh wait, nevermind.

     It seems unfair that I have to divide my attention b/w 2 cinema classics tonight, but hey, Robocop will be the first person to tell you life isn’t fair. Before I get in too deep, let me tell you right now, Robocop is truly awesome. I already put it on the Netflix queue and it’s totally my next choice for movie night. If you want to see something brilliant, d/l Robocop today. For a different movie experience, please read a little further along in this post.

     Robocop = greatest 80’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Robocop’s pain with every slow, awkward step he took.

     Burlesque = the worst whatever decade we are in’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Cher’s pain with every slow, awkward step she took.

     Christina Aquilera’s performance has now forever redefined the word “stupid” for me. At one point when she the camera did a close up of her face after seeing Cher sing about whatever “Burlesque” is, me and Vanessa just laughed and fist pumped. We did this several more times, our way of saying “Oh yeah, we have found our all time crap classic.” I cannot recommend seeing this movie enough. If you don’t want to see it for often horrible music and indecipherable dance numbers, then just watch it for the most awful seduction seen in movie history. (I will NEVER, EVER eat Famous Amo’s cookies again.) I just can’t wait until I’m old enough to play a Burlesque themed drinking game.

     A few notes on how to fully enjoy Burlesque.

1 Consume alcohol. I didn’t but I’m fairly positive this will help.

2 Watch with a good friend / loved one and try to describe the plot of the movie as it “unfolds.”

3 Try to figure out what Stanley Tucci (who thought he was starring in a Prada prequel) and Kristen Bell are doing in this movie. I’m gonna have a prize later this week to whoever can answer this question for me.

4 Ask yourself every 5 minutes, “What IS Burlesque?”

     Oh yeah, also, I almost got suspended in school today for throwing a tater tot at Toby. He will not stop looking at me. I got off with a warning because I told my counselor that “things have been hard at home.” Ha, the things people believe.