I live under a bell shaped curve from being average.

Monday, January 31^st 2011

     Another uncomfortable lunch today. See, Toby, now double rejected, has too much pride to sit at the table with us. Instead, he sat at the table right across from us and stared for 30 minutes. At one point during our Jerseylicious discussion he laughed out loud really loud. We started whispering after that.

     I caught up on Vampire Diaries after school and I am not pleased. Please oh please, NO MORE WOLVES. I don’t know who decided that Teen Wolf was cool again but they are just plain wrong.

     Yes, I realize that vampires are stupid too.

     Vanessa begged me for new music today so I’m making her a mix. I usually would make Miss Barlow the craziest mix possible, but Connie was there and insisted I give her the mix too, so I have to avoid “Scary Blood Sacrifice Music.” Here’s what I have so far.

I Can Tell / The Volebeats

Never Comes Around / La Sera

Bratty B / Best Coast

The Desert / Vivian Girls

Venus / Television

I Got You / Split Enz

Tropical / Plumtree

Ce Jour La / Fabienne Delsol

Let The Bells Ring / The Organ

Ruby Soho / Rancid

Save It For Later / The Beat

Swans / Camera Obscura

The Tenure Itch / The Pains Of Being Pure At Heart

Summer Babe (Winter Version) / Pavement

Taking People / Cat Power

All This Time / Heartless Bastards

Crazy For You / Best Coast.

     Not too shabby, right? It’s fun, fluffy, and pretentious. I haven’t lost my touch.

     I believe it is time for my first ever Penelope Black Heart Contest! The first person who emails me with any reason they think they are more bored than I am wins a copy of this fantastic mix above. Please send all entries to cupcakedestroyer@gmail.com.

smokey eyes

Sunday, January 30^th 2011

     I need help. I love Glam Fairy and I want Smokey Eyes.

I can smell a fix and i don't mean the good kind that unbreaks stuff.

Sunday, January 30^th 2011

     Jerseylicious (Wtf) or Mega Python vs Gatoroid… Jerseylicious (WTF) or Mega Python vs Gatoroid… where to start?

     Last night was pretty great. We all ate and laughed and discussed the fine cinema SyFy channel treated us to. I’ll be the first to admit, Mega Python vs Gatoroid was no Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, but to be fair, what is? While MPVG was able to match MSVGO in the cheese and acting factor, the latter juggled a much more entertaining story. While I watch these movies to see a Mega Shark eating a plane or a Mega Python eating a train, ultimately I’m a story whore at heart.

     I was impressed by both Debbie Gibson and Tiffany’s performance, which pains me to say since I’m so on the Debbie side of things. (She wrote all her own songs, Tiffany did a bunch of crappy covers. DG is an artist damnit.)Also, this was SO much better than Sharktopus. Also, I’m in a bad so mood so no spoiler alert both Debbie and Tiffany die at end. Ha!

     Now on to tonight’s season finale of Jerseylicous, where we got to see who won the Crystal Cup for best hair and make up at New Jersey Fashion Week. After some hard work by all 3 teams, the guy who created New Jersey Fashion Week (a fact that is totally underwhelming when it’s the First Annual New Jersey Fashion week ) announced the winner. We got close ups of the Glam Fairies, Anthony Roberts Salon, and The Gatsby Salon, all both confident and worried. I was paying very close attention and I’m telling you, Anthony Roberts (with  my girl Olivia in charge) was the best, with Alexa’s Glam a close second and Gayle’s tired ass Gatsby coming in dead last. Yet somehow, this idiot picks the Gatsby as the winner. NO. No way at all. This was the biggest sham since the end of the first Bring It On. It was all a set up and I have now lost all faith in New Jersey Fashion Week.

     Okay, breathing again. I need to compose myself if I’m gonna get through Glam Fairy.

     Sorry about the over the top in depth reviews tonight, but face it, my life is utter crap otherwise. I feel like all I have left in the world is TV and the Best Coast album which I finally downloaded yesterday and have yet to stop listening to, which kinda of annoys me because I feel like I now how have to go back and re-do my entire best music of 2010 list and put this in somewhere around #3. Or #2, I will let you know next month.

Trains and stuff.

Saturday, January 29^th 2011

     Parents took me to the diner this morning. I got French toast and poached eggs and that made me feel a little better. Watched Unstoppable when we got home and that was pretty solid, although I may have to read up on some train physics stuff now because that stuff didn’t seem right. Tonight is the world premiere of Mega-Python vs Gatoroid and I convinced Vanessa and Connie to come over and watch it with my family. I will be sure to give you a full review very soon. I’m helping my mom clean now, which really means that I’m pretending to use a Swiffer while I watch the Food Network. By the way, in case you haven’t checked it out, Cupcake Wars IS as good as it seems.

     I think my mom noticed that I wasn’t feeling well (or heard the suicide anthems blasting non-stop from my room) because she got Taco stuff and is making cupcakes for tonight. My dad also got me a little stuffed dinosaur when he went out for milk at Dollar General.

     I’m only gonna say this one time. Sometimes… very rarely… my parents don’t totally suck. I’m gonna go “clean” some more and wait for the fun times.

Is it me? It is me.

Friday, January 28^th 2011

     ATTENTION, PREPARE FOR A “VERY SPECIAL WEB LOG”

     Hello, my name is Penelope Blackheart (not my real name) and I tend not to use terms like Apocalypse lightly.

     Today there was an Apocalypse at lunch.

     Last night Connie finally decided to put one of her 2 boys out of their mystery. After school we went to the library with Vanessa and we helped Connie do an extensive pro/con list to decide which boy. It was pretty tense for a while, but in the end Blake beat out Toby by a total of 47 to 43. I was official scorekeeper and Con made me triple check so I’m sure of that exact score.

     You’re probably waiting for the catastrophe part to come in. Wait for it.

     Connie broke the news to Toby and he cried. She told Blake and he cried. They were both still teary eyed at lunch today, when Toby watched Blake sit in his usual seat next to Connie, and then sat between me and Vanessa. He stared longingly at the happy couple for a minute and then looked to Vanessa, who stared death back into his eyes. And then… he turned to me.

     And asked me out. I was so shocked and disgusted that I didn’t even say no right away, which he took as a sign of approval. He was in the middle of planning our first date when Vanessa cut him off and said “Toby, she is NOT going out with you.” I tried nodding as politely as possible before getting up and going to the nurse’s office. I walked in, she asked me what was wrong, I said nothing and ran off to English, where I sat in silence and waited for class to start.

     I have never felt so depressed/ugly/inferior/angry/etc (please feel free to add on another 10 adjectives with negative connotations here. Did I use connotation right? I think I did.) I’m trying to not feel awful about it but it isn’t working. No one likes being second (actually third) choice but what makes it worse is that no matter how much I genuinely like Connie and care about her and think she’s great… I still think I’m so much better than her.

     WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I try. I really do.

     Vanessa came over after school and made me soup and hung out until dinner. Since dinner I’ve sat in my room and played every depressing record on the planet. On right now, a mix of The Organ and the Vivian Girls. I pray for sleep. And I’m almost out of Nutty Bars. Damn.

I will never be stupid enough to get Taken.

Wednesday, January 26^th 2011

     Global warming my ass. I’m so freaking sick of the snow and cold and it’s not even February yet. I watched Taken again today and, again, I swear that I’m never going anywhere ever. Connie came over after school and I made her watch it. She was so scared that she had her father come pick her up. I suppose that was my big entertainment of the day. Vanessa was bored, but not bored enough to come over in the crap weather, so I actually stayed in the living room after dinner tonight and watched The Kids Are All Right. Within the first 20 minutes it was obvious that while the movie qualified as “family entertainment” it was not something we all felt comfortable watching together. But we kept watching because my parents refused to admit that they’re not as hip as a lesbian couple with 2 kids hanging out with the sperm donor daddy and I refused to admit that I made a mistake by not picking to watch The A Team instead. That movie was way overrated. Kids Are All Right I mean. A Team was decent.

     Emails! Yes, this constitutes excitement in my life (at least until Penderson sweeps me off of my feet.)

     Again, I can’t be bothered to give the e mail addresses, but I assure you, somebody sent them.

     Ljlkj@ljkl.com asks “Who is your favorite movie monster?”

     Off hand I’d have to say Godzilla… but I always end up thinking that the monsters in those movies are actually the humans, so I’m gonna have to change my answer to Beast in Beauty and the Beast.

     Hhoinho23nr@ljlkj.com wants to know “What do you think about Simon Cowell leaving American Idol? What do you think of Steven Tyler and J Lo?”

     Okay, prepare to be shocked. I don’t like, don’t watch, and don’t care about American Idol. I know, weird. Okay, I make sleepy times now.

     P.S. I promise I will someday answer all your Disney Princess questions, but it’s gonna have to be an entire blog dedicated to it. Btw Belle rules.

whatever it takes.

Tuesday, January 25^th 2011

     I have avoided posting about Degrassi for the same reason a lot of people tried to avoid discussing politics or religion. It just means too much to me. We don’t get Teen Nick with our cable anymore, so I’m relegated to downloading them in bunches and watching them marathon style, which is pretty awesome too. I watched episodes 25-32 of season 10 tonight. Thank you, Canada.

     Congratulations, Degrassi, you’ve invented the “Rape Misunderstanding” plot.

     A brother and his male gender identified sister both competing to hook up with the confused socialite who made out with her own brother last year. Thank you, Degrassi.

     One last rant, HOLLY J! ENOUGH. Stop pretending that you and Declan don’t belong together, don’t fight it.

     Okay, I feel better now. Maybe I’ll make top ten Degrassi episodes one of my upcoming list themed posts. First to look forward too, I will be presenting you with the “10 greatest Lifetime movies of all time.”

Jersey Justice and beautiful Colin

Sunday, January 23^rd 2011

     I think I found the solution to the non-macho but still manly sensitive but can still take me in a fight sweats but doesn’t smell celebrity crush dilemma. (AKA my search for a decent geek who isn’t as wussy as Cera or Eisenberg.) What does everyone think of Colin Hanks? He’s a bit nerdy, a bit dapper. He’s played sensitive roles and now he’s a cop on The Good Guys (which is awesome by the way.) I assure you, he can be dreamy, just give him a chance. For example…

     He opens the door dressed in a stunning suit… without a tie. He motions me in and my jaw drops.

     “Is it… is it really you?”

     “Yes, Penelope, it is I, Colin Hanks. Please come hang out in my extremely safe… Hot tub.”

     “But what about your wife, she seems like such a nice lady.”

     “… She is. But she is also trapped in an alternate universe forever, and told me to move on.”

     “Cool.”

     Hot stuff, right?

     My parents haven’t fought all weekend. I kept saying “I want pizza” all day today and viola! We just had pizza for dinner. Now I need a time machine to go back and say “I want a guitar” all day today.

     If the Jets make it to the Super Bowl I’m running away from Jersey.

     Tonight’s Jerseylicious could not have been better. The Anthony and Olivia Chain is working smoothly and nailed their audition for New Jersey Fashion Week, plus Alexa beat Gayle head to head for a designer. But the real treat is watching Doria screw up over and over again. We all tweeted Olivia congratulations as soon as the episode was over. Well, it wasn’t so much congratulations as “DORIA SUCKS” but the sentiment was there.

     Ha Ha. Jets lost, so I don’t have to listen to idiots at school tomorrow talking trash.

old people dancing.

Friday, January 21^st 2011

     Okay, beyond weird night. I get from Connie’s house around 5 and my mom tells me to get ready, we’re all going out. I’m like “Wtf, Mom, I just got in. You’re gonna have to feed me or something before asking for favors.” Which she ignored.

     As it turns out there was this concert that my parents wanted to go to but it sold out on them. Today, while he was supposed to be working for Passaic County, he found tickets for really cheap on Stubhub. He got “3 tickets at a VERY reasonable rate and it isn’t even a school night.” Babysitters are impossible to get on short notice, blah, blah. So I had to eat a Hot Pocket and get ready in 45 minutes.

     The Jayhawks must have been a really big deal to my parents because, for the first time in my life, my dad drove into the city. Evidently they were performing one of their albums in their entirety and one of the guys hadn’t been in the band for 15 years or something so it was a once in a lifetime chance type deal which made my dad speed all the way into the city and then PAY for parking around Webster Hall.

     Oh God, I may have been conceived to this music. I will try my best not to let that effect my review.

     The show started right at 8 and the music was actually really good. I’m always up for a little alt-country etc, and the songs were great and the band sounded awesome. I downloaded the record and am listening to it right now.

     One other thing I need to mention. Old people dancing. Again. Wow. Old people dancing. It was really weird to see my parents out in their natural habitat with other adults. For old people, they’re really not that old. They still dress kinda cool. They didn’t get ripped and make asses of themselves. Also, they didn’t even try to dance. They just held hands. It was kinda nice.

     We left the show a little early (after one of the singers said “This is another new song” one too many times) and were home by 10:15. It was a really great night, but I’m still freaking starving. This is why I hide Nutty Bars in a tampon box under my bed.

I don't care if tomatoes are fruit!

Wednesday, January 19^th 2011

     Okay so I’ve tried watching Ramona and Beezus 3 times now and have fallen asleep, so I give up. Sorry Selena. My parents woke me up both at 5 this morning and again when they got home from work by screaming. I suppose one day I really need to pay attention to what they’re yelling about, but they do such a good job usually pretending that nothing is wrong that I don’t bother. The LAST thing I want to even consider is them getting divorced.

     I’ve come out of my coma for emails. If I was healthy enough to be dragged kicking and screaming to school, I can mustard up enough energy for a post. But I’m warning you now. I will not be as delightful as I usually am.

     Wemightbegiants@gmail.com, if you must know, my favorite candy bar is a combination of a Kit Kat and a Whatchamacallit squished up together. Wow, I just looked it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whatchamacallit_(candy) and I knew it! They have tasted different lately.

     Obviousfraud@fakemail.com insists on asking “If vegetables could talk who would have the deepest voice.”

     Potatoes of course! They’re all earthy and what not. I just called Vanessa and asked her what she thought. Fist she said “I was asleep, why are you waking me up with weird %&#!*” and then said “I don’t know but I think that tomatoes would sound the most like Antonio Banderas.” I’m glad we’re friends again.

the so-so Gatsby.

Monday, January 17^th 2011

     Okay, so I am like literally on my death bed, but I had to come on to tell you how awful Skins was. It is by far the worst show in the history of television. Also I felt as if I should have had a giant condom over the TV while it was on, just to be safe.

     I realize that this is all coming from a girl who is completely hooked on Jerseylicious.

     Have I not mentioned my unabashed love for Jerseylicous? Oh… never mind then.

     Okay, fine, the secret is out. I freaking love Jerseylicious. Okay fine, the secret’s out. Me, Vanessa and Connie all watch Jerseylicious every Sunday night and PM each other all through it… then usually spend all lunch Monday talking about it again. I won’t bore you to death with a recap or anything, but I just wanted to say that last night Olivia finally got a little justice. The Gatsby take her for granted and they know DAMN well that if she left there would be no show. My suggestions to the management, take a look at your shows opening credits and make a note of the top billing before you make any threats.

     We all would love to go into the salon to get worked on but even in our wildest dreams can’t think of a scenario where we’d need our hair and make up done.

     Back to puking. Cheers.

L'enfer

Sunday, January 16^th 2011

     I was trapped in the Graey Tower and time was running out. I was no longer frightened though. My Sacrifice was the only choice, my resolve dissolves all my regrets.

     When Arnswark answered my call I knew it will all be okay. All I had left to give would soon be gone and it was all worth it. If Penderson would remain free to roam the night then it was worth me disappearing into the dark.

     The Golden Globes are stupid. Jennifer Lawrence was robbed.

     Medicine is doing nothing. I refuse to go to the doctor. I’m going to listen to Coralie Clement nonstop until I can breathe again.

Ringette is cool.

Saturday, January 15^th 2011

     Things I googled today because I was too sick to leave room: Koala Bear fight. Unicorn on fire. Robot Keychains. (http://www.mynewhandbag.com/pr_Prada-2ar240-robot.html)How to drill a hole in your sinuses. (I’m now looking into a Sinus Pressure Halo.) Local Ringette leagues. Schwa. How much snot can the human body produce in one day?

     It was a thrilling day.

I don't wanna be anything other than what i've been trying to be lately.

Friday, January 14^th 2011

     I’m really need to start being healthier. I stayed home sick again today. I’m only 14, so I should be the picture of perfect health right? I shouldn’t be chasing Sudafed with Zicam on a Friday night.

     Okay, to be fair, all I had planned was going to Burlington Coat Factory with Connie and Lord Vaslering to help her pick out a new coat after school. I wonder if they have a cape section? Speaking of The Cape, watched the premiere last week and it was a complete and utter piece of crap. I will try one more episode, but my loyalty to Summer Glau does have its limits.

     Instead I stayed home and watched my 12 favorite episodes from the first 2 years of One Tree Hill. My mom went and got me 5 different types of medicine and some Vaporub. She said that she used to rub it on my chest when I was sick as a kid. I think I remember that. Eww.

     Vanessa is visiting her grandparents this weekend and Connie is banned from hanging out with me while I’m sick because evidently I may have given her a slight case of small pox the last time. I swear, people are so protective about their kids.

I knew I loved Donald Duck the 19th time I saw him.

Wednesday, January 12^th 2011

     I almost lost my iPhone (it’s a refurbished one, I’m not that spoiled) in Algebra today when I “woohoo”ed out loud after Alexz Johnson tweeted me. I know having a Canadian singer/actress acknowledge you isn’t the most exciting thing on earth, but I’ve always felt I’d be better off in Canada anyway so it’s great to me. Anyway, Mr. Munro walked over and saw the phone and tried to confiscate it. It was a struggle I eventually got it back by shouting “I’m gonna go and report it stolen now and God forbid there’s a school shooting.” He still gave me detention but I just played on Facebook the entire time so it wasn’t so bad. Good thing I had my phone on me.

     I was gonna go on and bore you with more details of my life but I actually got some emails this week! I’m too lazy to type out all the email addresses so I’ll just assign numbers this week.

     Numero uno writes “What are your favorite TV shows?”

     While I watch plenty of normal American shows like Big Bang Theory and Vampire diaries, I will attempt to be pretentious and only answer my favorite Canadian shows, Degrassi, Lost Girl, 18 to Life and Hiccups.

     Two wants to know “Who is your favorite classic Disney character?”

     Donald Duck. Duh, he’s the one who curses.

     The third question today is “Is Penelope your real name?”

     Of course. Also I live at 123 Chestnut St. Heller Park, NJ and my social security number is 987-62-7854. I also fight crime at night as the masked avenger “Blasé.” If you need a more elaborate schedule to further stalk me, please email me again.

     Question four. “DC or Marvel?”

     I’d feel less stupid calling myself a Metahuman than a Mutant, so DC. Also, I’d be a great Batfamily member. Boracle maybe?

     My dad brought home bird for dinner, so it's an early post for me today. Since I’ve been in a quotey mood lately I’m leave you with this gem from Judy Blume’s “Forever.”

     “I could have said it back to him right away. I was thinking it all along. I was thinking, I love you, Michael. But can you really love someone you’ve seen just nineteen times in your life?”

bonus

Tuesday, January 11^th 2011

     Okay, bonus today. I leave you with one of the greatest quotes of all time.

     “After taking care of an urgent personal matter, I proceeded directly to the address Johnny had given me. It turned out to be one of those all-night wicker places.”

Frank Drebin in Police Squad.

The Dark Elder's Dark Test.

Tuesday, January 11^th 2011

     “I’m sorry Penderson… but I can’t choose. You have always been my world but what am supposed to do when my world burst asunder!” I trembled harder with every passing breath, but I knew I couldn’t stop. I had to make him believe me in order to pass the Dark Elder’s Dark Test. I glowered at him and raged “AWAY BEAST! LEAVE ME NOW!”

     Two lonely tears fell slowly from his beautiful eyes. He backed away like a defeated angel descending to Hell after the Fall. He started to speak… but couldn’t get any words out. He turned and flew off into the night.

     And just like that… Penderson Reelings, the one true love of my life, was gone.

     Yup, it’s another one of those nights.

Not even pretty on the inside

Monday, January 10^th 2011

     Bored.

     A kid in my English class asked me out today and I almost considered saying yes. Sure, he looked like an ass in a sweater vest, but hey, at least someone noticed me.

     I can admit it. It gets to me. I don’t want to be jealous of Connie’s 2 headed boy toy or the fact that every single guy on the face of the planet thinks Vanessa is prettier to me (she really is btw) but I am insanely jealous. I know that I look at everyone like they have two heads and make fun of just about everyone who dares to speak to me but I just can’t help it.

     For instance, today I asked Connie if she thought I was sarcastic or sardonic and she said “I don’t know where your family came from.” I spent all the rest of the walk to class making fun of her for it, made fun of her all throughout History class and then called her after school to make fun of her again. This is my best friend.

     Okay so I made up my mind. I’m gonna try to do the whole go to the mall and meet guys thing this weekend. I know it’s just gonna be losers and creeps but I gotta try something.

     Enough bitching. I’m gonna take a Benadryl and knock myself out.

Better than Sweden

Sunday, January 9^th 2011

Movies of the year.

#7 When In Rome: I’m re-watching all the Veronica Mars on Netflix Instant now, and after V mars I’m looking for any reason to watch Kristen Bell.

#6 Machete: “Machete don’t text” is THE quote of the year. This movie was fun and flawed but most importantly, it was the one movie my parents said I wasn’t allowed to go see. It was on my computer the next morning. I need any chance to rebel I can get.

#5 The Tooth Fairy: Steven Merchant and the Rock win my best onscreen chemistry award.

#4 Tangled: Okay, so I love Mandy Moore, so what. I love her husband Ryan Adams too and no one makes fun of me for that. Anyway, Tangled was beautifully animated, fun and cute. It’s the least assy Disney cartoon in over a decade. Also, Mandy Moore was awesome in it.

#3Best Worst Movie: I can’t begin to describe how awesome this movie is or how amazing it’s subject matter, Troll 2, is. Just watch it. It’s the first time I’ve ever had the question “why do I like what I like” explained to me. I can’t wait until I have enough friends to have a legit Troll 2 party.

#2 Kick Ass: If I wasn’t too lazy to make the costume, I’d walk around dressed as Hit Girl 24/7. Funny and violent, what else do I need? Life officially on hold until sequel is out.

#1 Let Me In: Anyone wanna take a guess as to who my new favorite actress is? I saw the original with my parents and we all loved it, so we were excited to see this opening night. They both said that it was “okay but not as good as the Swedish version.” That’s complete and total crap. It’s better in every aspect. It’s as good as Twilight is bad.

     I hope you didn’t expect some kinda of in depth analysis or breakdowns of these fine films. If you did, please refer to my previous blog entries. Have a good night. Or not. (See, I’m dangerous.)

Substance vs Forever in blue jeans.

Saturday, January 8^th 2011

      I listened to nothing but New Order all day. That’s my mom’s favorite band of all time so she was happy all day and she made a cake. My parents are too easy sometimes. They met at a Sonic Youth show which means that they are 1. Pretentious as hell and 2. Since they wasted a large chunk of their lives listening to loud obnoxious noise they probably didn’t mind my crying when I was a baby. Connie’s parents met at a Sizzler. I’m not sure if that’s relevant.

      Mom was in such a good mood that she drove me over to Guitar Center and I played the guitar that I will never own again. I tried my puppy pout eyes on my mom but she rebutted with the “well if you didn’t steal your dad’s credit card to buy cool tee shirts you’d probably have that guitar already” stare. When we got home I blasted Neil Diamonds “Hot August Night Album” and she overcooked the roast. Music giveth and taketh away.

Someone better than Scott Pilgrim.

Thursday, January 6th 2010

      Inspired by yesterday’s email, I went and googled “worst romance novel of all time.” Not only did this provide me with much needed laughs, but I also compelled me to download a book. Not just any book… “The Very Virile Viking” by Sandra Hill. I won’t mince words here. OMFGx2. I can’t even begin to summarize this erotic (I think) tale of a time travelling Viking.

      I’m not even a quarter of the way through it and I’m already blown away. A Viking guy named Magnus basically can just look at a wench and knocks her up. He’s a big bad dude and somehow ends up in modern day LA. I’ll be sure to keep you posted.

     Because of the Very Virile Viking I’m now pretty sure I don’t know how sex works anymore. The book was so confusing that I am now not actually sure what constitutes the physical act of love.

     In general I don’t get the huge macho man crush thing. I don’t need vamps and wolves to get me going. I like boys who I at least I think I have a shot at beating up. I’m basically just looking for an attractive Michael Cera.

     I’m off to call Connie while I IM Vanessa. Wish me luck.