The Beautiful People: Half Cher, Half Xtina. All Cop.

Monday, February 14^th 2011

     First off, I will not acknowledge that it’s Valentine’s Day. All that meant was that Connie was at IHOP with Blake Deadly (get it, I compared him to Blake Lively who’s a girl) instead of over my house watching the most horribly awful movie of all time.

     Wow, I don’t even know where to start… Robocop, or Burlesque.

     One is an amazingly violent, funny, charming and heartwarming story about a cop who dies and then becomes a robotic cop. The robotic cop is played by Cher who teams up with Xtina Aguilera to save Old Detroit from a real estate developer who wants to tear down the … oh wait, nevermind.

     It seems unfair that I have to divide my attention b/w 2 cinema classics tonight, but hey, Robocop will be the first person to tell you life isn’t fair. Before I get in too deep, let me tell you right now, Robocop is truly awesome. I already put it on the Netflix queue and it’s totally my next choice for movie night. If you want to see something brilliant, d/l Robocop today. For a different movie experience, please read a little further along in this post.

     Robocop = greatest 80’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Robocop’s pain with every slow, awkward step he took.

     Burlesque = the worst whatever decade we are in’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Cher’s pain with every slow, awkward step she took.

     Christina Aquilera’s performance has now forever redefined the word “stupid” for me. At one point when she the camera did a close up of her face after seeing Cher sing about whatever “Burlesque” is, me and Vanessa just laughed and fist pumped. We did this several more times, our way of saying “Oh yeah, we have found our all time crap classic.” I cannot recommend seeing this movie enough. If you don’t want to see it for often horrible music and indecipherable dance numbers, then just watch it for the most awful seduction seen in movie history. (I will NEVER, EVER eat Famous Amo’s cookies again.) I just can’t wait until I’m old enough to play a Burlesque themed drinking game.

     A few notes on how to fully enjoy Burlesque.

1 Consume alcohol. I didn’t but I’m fairly positive this will help.

2 Watch with a good friend / loved one and try to describe the plot of the movie as it “unfolds.”

3 Try to figure out what Stanley Tucci (who thought he was starring in a Prada prequel) and Kristen Bell are doing in this movie. I’m gonna have a prize later this week to whoever can answer this question for me.

4 Ask yourself every 5 minutes, “What IS Burlesque?”

     Oh yeah, also, I almost got suspended in school today for throwing a tater tot at Toby. He will not stop looking at me. I got off with a warning because I told my counselor that “things have been hard at home.” Ha, the things people believe.