Things that aren't as important as they should be.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Chrome Angels and Mountaineers

Wednesday, March 23rd 2011

     Since I’m going away to West Virginia (long story) until Monday and in general I’ve been a real slacker with posting and I’m in a mood because I just realized I haven’t played my guitar in a week and I spaced and missed Real Housewives last night which isn’t the most horrible thing on earth but then I missed the After Party With Andy which featured Mama Elsie so y’all are gonna be treated to a very special extra long edition of my silly today. (I have to admit that that sentence was probably longer than the story of why I’m going to West Virginia on short notice for 4 days.)

     Extreme run on sentences aside, I really have been in a real crawl into a hole and eat churros mood. But I did manage to find time to watch 2 movies for the purpose of reviewing them for my whatever this is. Without further ado, my review of Tron Legacy and Chrome Angels / aka Cyborg Conguest.

     Okay, so my dad explained both Tron and Tron Legacy to me 4 times while we watched Tron Legacy and I am no closer to the truth. I have not freaking idea what the hell any of it means. I guess that it didn’t help that I kept calling the son Tron 2 and Olivia Wilde Tronette. Vanessa came over to watch it and was enthralled and also tried explaining it to me and also failed. After the 3rd time she said “No Quorra, I mean Tronette, was real, and the True Grit guy is dead” she gave up and just said. “Whatever, it looks pretty.”

     I asked if seeing the first Tron would help me my dad simply said, “I’m sorry honey, but no.” With that in my mind, I’m gonna say that Tron Legacy is about a rich dude who’s dad ran away to create a hot girl for him, which in turn really took the sting out of him abandoning him for 20 years and then dying on him.

     Seriously, what the hell is Tron? Nonetheless I did enjoy it, but not as much as I enjoyed another movie by the director of Transmorphers, Chrome Angels a.k.a. Cyborg Conquest. The film opens with a bank heist, as an all female biker gang makes off with a few bags of chain and ride off to meet up at a rendezvous point. It turns out to be this dive bar in a small town located south of nowhere and just past East Northumberland High (you are so the same amount of loser as I am if you get those references.)

     The bar is full of rough and tough looking guys who started acting all “you’re a girl, I’m gonna mistreat you and such” and the girls are all like “oh know you didn’t” and a ruckus ensues and ends with one of the girls shooting one of the guys in the face and instead of blood they see circuits.

     This is where the movie kinda changes gear. When all the bar patrons’ eyes turn green and they start saying things like “affirmative” and “eliminate” they quickly surmise that these are robots. Killer robots to be exact. Another fight breaks out and they girls get separated into 2 groups, one gets away to a nearby motel and the others captured by robots and taking to the evil robot base.

     The entire town ends up being robots controlled by an evil genius and his hipster computer guy. It’s a very good thing that the girls know someone nearby with a small but military grade arsenal and another guy who builds supercars and is down for a fight.

     The evil plan is revealed. These cyborgs are set to be shipped out all over the world and if the planet doesn’t succumb to the evil genius wheelchair guy’s will he will detonate the small nuclear device that’s hidden inside each unit.

     Some good people die, some evil robots die, and the apocalypse is avoided until the sequel. (Are you there, God? It’s me Penelope and I really want Chrome Angels 2.) I also forgot to mention that all the girls were cloned (pesky robot mosquitos) and the movie ends with the survivors and the Cyborg clones of their falling comrades drinking in a bar together, getting to know each other.

     I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m seriously not doing it justice. Chrome Angels is a Terminator series inspired movie which is a lot better than 3 of the 4 Terminator movies. (It’s also better than the Sarah Connor Chronicles although I’m still loyal to Summer Glau… but seriously, the Cape sucked.)It was fun and even a little unpredictable do I’m gonna give it a whopping 10 on the Hammer Pants scale and a 9 on the regular one too!

     Okay, I gotta pack and stuff. Have fun without me.

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