holy rollers and metagross

Thursday, April 14^th 2011

     For the first in like forever, it is email day!

     Yay.

     I was actually so happy to hear from my old chum Roland that I’m going to put in his entire email. Feel special, Holy Roller. (Please not the play on words with his name “Roland”)

Hello Penelope! 

It really has been too long since I last emailed you. I have been busy on mission trips with my youth group to places in need of Jesus and prayer, such as Mexico, and the city of Hell, Michigan. (Quick note from P.B. This may be Roland’s attempt at humor… but I actually have no idea.)

We have so much catching up to do, where to begin?! I do hope you are remembering to do a good deed daily. (P.B. don’t make fun of me, but I actually have been doing this. Usually it involves not making fun of something Connie said or being civil to my family.) It isn't just for boy scouts you know. Jesus smiles when ever we do nice things for people. Perhaps you could hold the door for your mother, or tell one of your teachers how much you appreciate the sacrifices they make. 

I wish you would stop watching those horrible "Real Housewives of" shows. Those women set a horrible example for young girls. (P.B. ugh!!! I have no defense for this.)

I really do have so much to say but I must jet off. The youth group and I are baking cookies for the church yard sale this Sunday. 

Praise be to the father!

-Roland

ps- more to come! do good deeds daily! there is no secret, only Jesus!

     Ya gotta admit it. The little guy grows on you. Next email comes from MagikarpetCleaner@fakemail.com Penelope, who’s the best Pokemon and why?

     Mr or Mrs Magik, that’s an easy one. Metagross, because he’s a big blue bastard who can do your taxes.

     Nutty Bar time.

daughter of paleface oh yeah new fave record

Wednesday March 6^th 2011

     First off, I have a new official favorite album of the year. “Tell Me” by Jessica Lea Mayfield is super freaking awesome. I don’t know what the hell is in the water in Ohio, but it seems like every other awesome thing comes from there. It’s an alt/roots/country/moody/indie rock record and I’m in love with every lyric and every note. This reminds me, it’s time to bless Connie, Vanessa, Cindy and maybe even Roland with a new music mix.

     Speaking of Roland… where have you gone little drummer boy?

     Since I’m here, I may as well so some email.

     My old pal Cyndi Flansburgh says… wow, okay, I hate Rebecca Black as much as the next gal, but I’m sorry Cyn, I can’t post that kind of language on my blog! I will just skip ahead to the second part of your email,

Selena Gomez or Demi Lovato?

Nick Jonas or Jesse Eisenberg?

Yard Sales or Garage Sales?

Hamburger Helper or Tuna Helper?

Xoxo Cyndi f.

     Cyndi, these are all easy. Even after rehab, I still am loyal to Demi, but I love Selena too. She actually didn’t make me wanna eat glass while she was singing on DWTS last night. Nick Jonas has no penis and Jesse is still great because I refuse to watch The Social Network. Yard sales tend to have more toys/DVDs and garage sales tend to have more books/CDs so that’s a wash.

     Finally, hot tuna is just disgusting. The only kind of tuna I eat is cold and comes from a can that doesn’t spare the life of a dolphin.

     I was going to make this an extra long post and review some movies… but I’ve watched 3 straight Bob Hope movies and even I’m too embarrassed to talk about it.

Wednesday, February 16^th 2011

     I ate roasted chicken and rice for dinner and my mom made chocolate cake for dessert. I’m ready to sleep like now. I will not attempt any original thought today, but I will answer emails. (btw, Roland, where have you gone?)

     Bloodygood14@fakemail.com asks “Why have you stopped talking about Twilight and Vampire Diaries? Who do you like better, Bella or Elaina?”

     Bloodygood, that’s a stupid question followed by a good question. I talk about what I want when I want and there is no rhyme or reason to it.

     I think I hate both Bella and Elaina equally. I think part of my recent distaste with vamp drama in general is that for some reason it’s perfectly acceptable for these super-statutory rape scenarios to play out in them. Both Edward and Stephan are over 200 years older than their young lady counterparts. Oh wait… Bella waits until she’s 18. What a wuss. Anyway, my parents would kill me if I dated a senior, let alone someone who was alive during the Civil War. They’re both being taken advantage of, but Elaina’s vamp is a whole lot hotter, so I guess I like Elaina better.

     My old pal Cindy F wants pontificates “So I’ve been browsing Tiffany.com and it made me realize, I might be a bit of a material girl deep down. What about you? Do you wear any jewelry? What’s your favorite thing at Tiffany & Co? Have you seen Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”

     I went to Tiffany’s once and I cried. That stuff is all so stupid pretty and equally stupid expensive. I begged my mom to get me a cupcake charm but she just laughed at me. Thanks, now I’m gonna be up all night on the site picking my favorite thing. Breakfast at Tiffany’s was kinda cool but also kinda boring. It made me want to diet, which is never a good feeling. I suppose if gun to my head I had to pick something from Tiffany’s I’d pick something practical like this. http://www.tiffany.com/Shopping/Item.aspx?fromGrid=1&sku=25387163&mcat=148205&cid=288186&search_params=s+1-p+5-c+288186-r+-x+-n+6-ri+-ni+0-t+-k+

     Okay, Tiffany.com gave me a headache, so goodnight. I will try to dream of cupcakes tonight.

www.cupcakerehab.com

www.cupcakeprovocateur.com

Duck Umbrella Rules

Wednesday, February 2^nd 2011

     Today I overslept for the first time ever in my life pretty much and was late for school. It was creepy because my mom instantly asked me if I was on drugs. I told her, “No Mom, I’m not on drugs, I just overslept. Why don’t you go get me some coffee so I can get this day going?” She gave me a dirty look and said “This isn’t over” evil villain style but she did make me coffee. Wuss.

     I’d rather my mom think I was tweeking meth all night than know the truth. I tried going to bed and it just wasn’t working, so somehow I spent an hour researching and pricing beekeeper outfits and related gear.

     Beekeeping is so much cooler than you think. You get to wear a beekeeper suit first off. Also, honey. Lots of honey. It’s a sweetener…

     Emails!

     Actually before emails, I have to announce the contest winner! Cindy F did in fact prove she was more bored than I was. “Penelope, I’m more bored than you. I spent my day watching Abba videos on Youtube, taking screen shots and then putting in captions commenting on their clothes. After that I watched Teen Wolf.”

     To be honest, I don’t actually think she was more bored than I was, but she WAS the only reply I got so WE HAVE A WINNER! Cindy, check yer email later.

     Now, Emails! AgentOrangutan@fakemail.com asks “Can you take Drake seriously knowing he used to be Jimmy on Degrassi?”

     I HATE Drake because his music blows. I HATED him before I even heard his music because he was Jimmy on Degrassi. Has a Degrassi character ever sucked as much as Jimmy did? He was in a freaking wheelchair after he got shot and I still wasn’t rooting for him.

     MargieSimon@fakemail.com wants to know, “Do you ever get your period? I’ve been following you for a few months and you’ve never mentioned it.”

     Oh Margie, of course I do, but this isn’t Health Class so I try not to discuss it. I also won’t be discussing nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach or diarrhea. (Why the hell did they make diarrhea so hard to spell? I always have to spell check it. Hmmm perhaps I am typing out diarrhea way too much.)

     I got a new umbrella today. It is the best umbrella on the face of the earth.

I don't care if tomatoes are fruit!

Wednesday, January 19^th 2011

     Okay so I’ve tried watching Ramona and Beezus 3 times now and have fallen asleep, so I give up. Sorry Selena. My parents woke me up both at 5 this morning and again when they got home from work by screaming. I suppose one day I really need to pay attention to what they’re yelling about, but they do such a good job usually pretending that nothing is wrong that I don’t bother. The LAST thing I want to even consider is them getting divorced.

     I’ve come out of my coma for emails. If I was healthy enough to be dragged kicking and screaming to school, I can mustard up enough energy for a post. But I’m warning you now. I will not be as delightful as I usually am.

     Wemightbegiants@gmail.com, if you must know, my favorite candy bar is a combination of a Kit Kat and a Whatchamacallit squished up together. Wow, I just looked it up http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whatchamacallit_(candy) and I knew it! They have tasted different lately.

     Obviousfraud@fakemail.com insists on asking “If vegetables could talk who would have the deepest voice.”

     Potatoes of course! They’re all earthy and what not. I just called Vanessa and asked her what she thought. Fist she said “I was asleep, why are you waking me up with weird %&#!*” and then said “I don’t know but I think that tomatoes would sound the most like Antonio Banderas.” I’m glad we’re friends again.

I knew I loved Donald Duck the 19th time I saw him.

Wednesday, January 12^th 2011

     I almost lost my iPhone (it’s a refurbished one, I’m not that spoiled) in Algebra today when I “woohoo”ed out loud after Alexz Johnson tweeted me. I know having a Canadian singer/actress acknowledge you isn’t the most exciting thing on earth, but I’ve always felt I’d be better off in Canada anyway so it’s great to me. Anyway, Mr. Munro walked over and saw the phone and tried to confiscate it. It was a struggle I eventually got it back by shouting “I’m gonna go and report it stolen now and God forbid there’s a school shooting.” He still gave me detention but I just played on Facebook the entire time so it wasn’t so bad. Good thing I had my phone on me.

     I was gonna go on and bore you with more details of my life but I actually got some emails this week! I’m too lazy to type out all the email addresses so I’ll just assign numbers this week.

     Numero uno writes “What are your favorite TV shows?”

     While I watch plenty of normal American shows like Big Bang Theory and Vampire diaries, I will attempt to be pretentious and only answer my favorite Canadian shows, Degrassi, Lost Girl, 18 to Life and Hiccups.

     Two wants to know “Who is your favorite classic Disney character?”

     Donald Duck. Duh, he’s the one who curses.

     The third question today is “Is Penelope your real name?”

     Of course. Also I live at 123 Chestnut St. Heller Park, NJ and my social security number is 987-62-7854. I also fight crime at night as the masked avenger “Blasé.” If you need a more elaborate schedule to further stalk me, please email me again.

     Question four. “DC or Marvel?”

     I’d feel less stupid calling myself a Metahuman than a Mutant, so DC. Also, I’d be a great Batfamily member. Boracle maybe?

     My dad brought home bird for dinner, so it's an early post for me today. Since I’ve been in a quotey mood lately I’m leave you with this gem from Judy Blume’s “Forever.”

     “I could have said it back to him right away. I was thinking it all along. I was thinking, I love you, Michael. But can you really love someone you’ve seen just nineteen times in your life?”