America has let me down for the last time. I am voting for change.

Tuesday, April 12^th 2011

     Okay, you know this is coming.

     What the hell was Chelsea Kane doing in the bottom 2? Am I going to have to actually start voting and not just pretend saying I’m voting for someone out loud counts as a vote. America, you’re all sorta reasonable people, right? (don’t answer that!) Why are you not voting for her?

     Okay, I have to do homework now, but I had to get that out.

The sun shines through the clouds for the first time in centuries.

Wednesday, March 16^th 2011

     So it’s Wed again and I guess I’m giving up the email thing for a bit longer. Sorry the blog is schizo, but you can imagine how much thought an effort goes into it. Nothing new happening. Gained 5 pounds since I accidentally checked my weight and have no reaction to that. Friday I’m going to Vanessa’s for a bad movie night. Which reminds me, I present to you the latest in my movies no one really saw series. I review 2 films today, Space Camp and Transmorphers.

     “Why don’t you just evaporate, Laser Brain!” this is the point where I turned Space Camp off. Don’t worry, I read the wiki. Trust me, I didn’t miss anything. For some reason Space Camp inspired, I decided to download Transmorphers. Talk about night and day! Space Camp is a giant bag of crap about crap, and Transmorphers is a beautifully crafted tale of a robot how had hope when humanity had none. That’s right, I was freaking inspired. Every single time they said “We only have shot at this” I was enthralled. I felt as if Transmorphers was God’s way of paying me back the time I lost trying to watch Transformers, (btw, this movie is better than that hunk of balls in every single aspect.)

     The movie starts with “In 2009 we discovered life on another planet. A planet 20 million light years away. We sent a message of peace. A message of friendship. And 5 years later we received their response.” Cut to scene of 800 gazillion spaceships attacking and destroying most of the earth, sending survivors underground as “within hours 90% of the earth’s population was destroyed.” Just brilliant.

     The ending was beautiful as this lost robot soul gave his live to preserve humanity… I think. The last 20 minutes were really hard to follow but still fantastic. In fact, since I can’t do it justice I’m just gonna copy the end of the wikipedia summary.

     ”Back at the radio station, Mitchell, now aware of his cyborg abilities, sacrifices himself to take out the tower and buy enough time for Itchy and the rest of the group to escape. This stops the reproduction and destroys the station. All over the world, the robots are shut down and defeated. With the battle won, Karina and Von Ryberg are reunited and the surviving humans see the sun shine through the clouds for the first time in centuries.”

     I give it an 8 out of 10 on the Hammer Pants Scale for Silly Awesomeness. (thank you VH1 I love the 80’s for that reference point.) Actually, I think I’d give it 8 of 10 on any scale. Yeah, I highly recommend this film and will def be downloading Transmorphers 2: fall of man.

     Also, to bring the silly, www.penisland.net

The Beautiful People: Half Cher, Half Xtina. All Cop.

Monday, February 14^th 2011

     First off, I will not acknowledge that it’s Valentine’s Day. All that meant was that Connie was at IHOP with Blake Deadly (get it, I compared him to Blake Lively who’s a girl) instead of over my house watching the most horribly awful movie of all time.

     Wow, I don’t even know where to start… Robocop, or Burlesque.

     One is an amazingly violent, funny, charming and heartwarming story about a cop who dies and then becomes a robotic cop. The robotic cop is played by Cher who teams up with Xtina Aguilera to save Old Detroit from a real estate developer who wants to tear down the … oh wait, nevermind.

     It seems unfair that I have to divide my attention b/w 2 cinema classics tonight, but hey, Robocop will be the first person to tell you life isn’t fair. Before I get in too deep, let me tell you right now, Robocop is truly awesome. I already put it on the Netflix queue and it’s totally my next choice for movie night. If you want to see something brilliant, d/l Robocop today. For a different movie experience, please read a little further along in this post.

     Robocop = greatest 80’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Robocop’s pain with every slow, awkward step he took.

     Burlesque = the worst whatever decade we are in’s movie I’ve ever seen. It’s funny and body parts are flying everywhere. You can feel Cher’s pain with every slow, awkward step she took.

     Christina Aquilera’s performance has now forever redefined the word “stupid” for me. At one point when she the camera did a close up of her face after seeing Cher sing about whatever “Burlesque” is, me and Vanessa just laughed and fist pumped. We did this several more times, our way of saying “Oh yeah, we have found our all time crap classic.” I cannot recommend seeing this movie enough. If you don’t want to see it for often horrible music and indecipherable dance numbers, then just watch it for the most awful seduction seen in movie history. (I will NEVER, EVER eat Famous Amo’s cookies again.) I just can’t wait until I’m old enough to play a Burlesque themed drinking game.

     A few notes on how to fully enjoy Burlesque.

1 Consume alcohol. I didn’t but I’m fairly positive this will help.

2 Watch with a good friend / loved one and try to describe the plot of the movie as it “unfolds.”

3 Try to figure out what Stanley Tucci (who thought he was starring in a Prada prequel) and Kristen Bell are doing in this movie. I’m gonna have a prize later this week to whoever can answer this question for me.

4 Ask yourself every 5 minutes, “What IS Burlesque?”

     Oh yeah, also, I almost got suspended in school today for throwing a tater tot at Toby. He will not stop looking at me. I got off with a warning because I told my counselor that “things have been hard at home.” Ha, the things people believe.