Chrome Angels and Mountaineers

Wednesday, March 23^rd 2011

     Since I’m going away to West Virginia (long story) until Monday and in general I’ve been a real slacker with posting and I’m in a mood because I just realized I haven’t played my guitar in a week and I spaced and missed Real Housewives last night which isn’t the most horrible thing on earth but then I missed the After Party With Andy which featured Mama Elsie so y’all are gonna be treated to a very special extra long edition of my silly today. (I have to admit that that sentence was probably longer than the story of why I’m going to West Virginia on short notice for 4 days.)

     Extreme run on sentences aside, I really have been in a real crawl into a hole and eat churros mood. But I did manage to find time to watch 2 movies for the purpose of reviewing them for my whatever this is. Without further ado, my review of Tron Legacy and Chrome Angels / aka Cyborg Conguest.

     Okay, so my dad explained both Tron and Tron Legacy to me 4 times while we watched Tron Legacy and I am no closer to the truth. I have not freaking idea what the hell any of it means. I guess that it didn’t help that I kept calling the son Tron 2 and Olivia Wilde Tronette. Vanessa came over to watch it and was enthralled and also tried explaining it to me and also failed. After the 3^rd time she said “No Quorra, I mean Tronette, was real, and the True Grit guy is dead” she gave up and just said. “Whatever, it looks pretty.”

     I asked if seeing the first Tron would help me my dad simply said, “I’m sorry honey, but no.” With that in my mind, I’m gonna say that Tron Legacy is about a rich dude who’s dad ran away to create a hot girl for him, which in turn really took the sting out of him abandoning him for 20 years and then dying on him.

     Seriously, what the hell is Tron? Nonetheless I did enjoy it, but not as much as I enjoyed another movie by the director of Transmorphers, Chrome Angels a.k.a. Cyborg Conquest. The film opens with a bank heist, as an all female biker gang makes off with a few bags of chain and ride off to meet up at a rendezvous point. It turns out to be this dive bar in a small town located south of nowhere and just past East Northumberland High (you are so the same amount of loser as I am if you get those references.)

     The bar is full of rough and tough looking guys who started acting all “you’re a girl, I’m gonna mistreat you and such” and the girls are all like “oh know you didn’t” and a ruckus ensues and ends with one of the girls shooting one of the guys in the face and instead of blood they see circuits.

     This is where the movie kinda changes gear. When all the bar patrons’ eyes turn green and they start saying things like “affirmative” and “eliminate” they quickly surmise that these are robots. Killer robots to be exact. Another fight breaks out and they girls get separated into 2 groups, one gets away to a nearby motel and the others captured by robots and taking to the evil robot base.

     The entire town ends up being robots controlled by an evil genius and his hipster computer guy. It’s a very good thing that the girls know someone nearby with a small but military grade arsenal and another guy who builds supercars and is down for a fight.

     The evil plan is revealed. These cyborgs are set to be shipped out all over the world and if the planet doesn’t succumb to the evil genius wheelchair guy’s will he will detonate the small nuclear device that’s hidden inside each unit.

     Some good people die, some evil robots die, and the apocalypse is avoided until the sequel. (Are you there, God? It’s me Penelope and I really want Chrome Angels 2.) I also forgot to mention that all the girls were cloned (pesky robot mosquitos) and the movie ends with the survivors and the Cyborg clones of their falling comrades drinking in a bar together, getting to know each other.

     I know it sounds ridiculous but I’m seriously not doing it justice. Chrome Angels is a Terminator series inspired movie which is a lot better than 3 of the 4 Terminator movies. (It’s also better than the Sarah Connor Chronicles although I’m still loyal to Summer Glau… but seriously, the Cape sucked.)It was fun and even a little unpredictable do I’m gonna give it a whopping 10 on the Hammer Pants scale and a 9 on the regular one too!

     Okay, I gotta pack and stuff. Have fun without me.

Like Yay. Giant. F#$%ing. Blueberries.

Saturday, February 12^th 2011

     What is the freaking deal with all these blueberry emails??? It took a while for me to notice, but now it’s consuming me. I must have had some weird black out where I went on a crazy blueberry research spree and signed up for a blueberry email list.

     I know that there are bigger problems in the world, but this is at the very least disturbing. Every day I get 2 or 3 emails promising me Giant Blueberry Plants!

     Yes, my life has hit a new low for boredom. I’m going to Target tomorrow to spend the rest of my gift card and maybe I can get my mom to make tacos for dinner. I NEED to get out of this rut.

     Sorry I’ve avoided posting the last few days but there really is nothing new going on. I’m still a loser. Connie is still planning her perfect Valentine’s Day with her boy and Vanessa is still the same hot and cold BFF she’s always been. My parents still fight when they think I’m not looking and I still need to lose 10 to 30 pounds.

     I can now play 6 chords on the guitar and my flannel still looks awesome. (It’s the only thing I have that both Vanessa and Connie are jealous of.)

Guitar! I win. Ha, take that universe.

Saturday, February 5^th 2011

     Fine. Okay. Whatever. I will admit it. I’m happy. The Universe, clearly disturbed by the brutal course my life has taken these past few months, has decided to not piss all over me for at least one day. But I’ll get to that in a minute.

     My day started, like any other day, like crap. My mom woke me up at 8 with French toast, which left my body very conflicted and confused. Being awake = aaarrrggghh. French Toast = Yaaaaaaaaay.

     During breakfast my mother announces that she needs to go to the mall and that attendance was mandatory because I needed new clothes and my father needed something that I don’t remember. We went to Garden State which was as disgustingly crowded as always and my mom dragged me from store to store until she finally cornered me in Urban Outfitters and told me that I couldn’t leave until I picked at least one item of clothing. After a few minutes of drowning in hipster pukewear I settled on a small men’s flannel. I think it’s cute and along with all the angsty chick rock I listen to a flannel helps keep my parent’s guessing as to whether I’m gay for a little longer. God forbid my mom tries talking about “boys” with me. I also picked up a Lego Minifigure and some socks so she couldn’t bitch that I only bought one thing.

     Traffic out on Rt. 4 and 17 were being evil so my dad decided to impress us with his knowledge of North Jersey back roads but instead had us lost within 10 minutes. This ended up being a blessing in disguise because we came a cross one of those full block garage sales and decided to give it a look. I picked up some books and CD’s and was ready to go beg my parents to take me home when I saw it. In the corner of a table with a toaster and dirty quilts on it I saw a glorious electric guitar. I ran over and asked the junkie loser who was selling it how much he wanted. He started at 120 and then I started haggling. I hardlined it at 20 dollars and he accepted! Even gave me a cheap case for it. (Thank you crystal meth.)

     I got it back to the car and my parents didn’t know whether to be angry that I spent all my money or impressed that I was able to pick up a state of the art crappy guitar (it’s an Arita!) At first I was afraid that they’d make me take it back but all they said was “You’re not allowed to have an amp until you learn how to play and you’re buying your own strings.”

     I win.

All the salad you can eat!

Sunday, November 28^th 2010

     Nothing will ever be the same again. Nothing CAN ever be the same again. The moment finally came. Penderson showed me his true form today… I have never been so attracted to something so dangerous. My entire body shudders and a cold sweat clamps to my body. I’m a powder keg waiting for him to ignite me. What stops me from losing myself forever in his arms? The way that Priatt keeps looking at me…

     Connie went on her first double date yesterday and unfortunately I had to be there. Tangled and Harry Potter were both sold out to we ended up seeing Morning Glory instead. Rachel McAdams was amazing in it, but let’s just say it’s no When In Rome.

     Toby and Blake took turns holding her hand and I had to sit in the row behind Connie to be able to talk to her. This was not my proudest moment.

     Today was a little better. I opted to go shopping with my parents and got to spend an hour circling The Tri-County Plaza Towne Centre Mall. Mom felt bad so instead of making me go into Bed, Bath and Beyond I was allowed to hang out in Guitar Center to try out some guitars. I “played” an Epiphone Wilshire for a while and am quite smitten. I may seriously consider saving up allowance and Christmas money to get it, but mostly I just wanted to be holding it when my parents come to get me. It’s been several years since I’ve gotten a “big Christmas gift” and a little direction never hurt anybody. We stopped off for a late lunch at the Olive Garden on the way home and the World’s Biggest Super Flex Douche Bag made a “When you’re here you’re family” joke. Me, Mom and Dad all sighed at once. Maybe we are related after all.

     Off to do homework but I leave you with a new hope. Today I finished chapter one of my Dystopian Romance Epic “Spoiled by the Spoils?” and may be posting it this week. In the meantime, here’s some more Connie Artwork.